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Burn After Reading (Bum script)
Announcer: And now it's time for "Bum Reviews" with Chester A. Bum. Tonight's review: "Burn After Reading." Chester: OH MY GOD, THIS IS THE GREATEST MOVIE I'VE EVER SEEN IN MY LIFE! There's this guy who finds a disk. Except it belongs to another guy. And there's a woman who's with the guy. The guy who currently has the disk, not the guy who did have the disk. And there's another woman with the other guy. The guy who did have the disk, but currently does not. And there's another guy sleeping with that woman. The woman who is currently with the guy who currently had the other disk--- No no, the other disk had to get--- No no, hold on. The woman who is currently with the other guy who currently does not have the disk, but the other guy and the other woman have the disk.....currently. And that guy is seeing another woman! The woman who is currently with the guy who has the disk and the guy who doesn't have the disk, because there's actually two women, and, uh, both those women are going with those guys. And on top of that, he's married! So that's three women! The woman married to the guy. The woman married to the other guy. And the woman seeing the man who's currently married to the other woman. Does that make sense to you? Me neither! So, that one guy, he creates a chair. And it's like the automatic woman pleasing chair! And if you're wondering what it does, I'll tell you. ("Censored" appears onscreen as Chester makes suggestive movements) I wish I had a vagina! So, the one guy gives the disk to the woman. The guy who currently has the disk from the other guy who currently had the disk, but now give the disk to the other woman. And she takes it to the Russians! And they're like, "What is this?" And she's like, "I don't know!" And they're like, "Piss off." (Mimics crying) And suddenly, one of the guys dies! Don't worry, I won't tell you which guy. Well, okay. It's the guy who currently had the disk from the other guy who currently had the disk but gave it to the other woman, the woman that was married to the other guy--- No no, wait. She wasn't married. She was the woman who was going out with the guy who is currently married but never had the disk. Oh, now I spoiled the whole movie! Everybody knows the story! So, there's these CIA people. And they're like, "What's going on here?" And the other guy's like, "I don't know!" And he's like, "Piss off then!" HOORAY! So, at the end, the fourth guy breaks into the other guy's house. Oh, wait a minute. I forgot to tell you about this guy! This is the woman who's in love with the guy who's seeing all three women who just killed the other guy who just took the other guy's disk! Whew! Glad I sorted that out. Things might have gotten quite confusing. So, at the end, something happens! But also...nothing happens! ...Squat! Nothing! Nada! Absolute absence of things happening! And the CIA guys are like, "What happened?" And the guy's like, "I don't know!" And the other guy's like, "Okay." The End! I never saw a movie where everything happened and nothing happened! It was like the "Seinfeld" of spy thrillers! It makes no sense! But it was funny! And it was shown in a warm, warm building. So, I give it two thumbs up! (whispering) I'm doing this because Ebert and Roeper aren't around anymore. So, I figure I can take over the job as both critics! What'd you think of the movie, Chester? I loved it! Me too! HOORAY! HOORAY! Hooray indeed. This is Chester A. Bum saying CHANGE?? Ya got change?! Aw c'mon, help a guy out, will ya?! C'mon, change! C'mon, I wanna see the movie again! About the guy and the other guy and the other guy and the--- Whoop, I'm out of time.